3 weeks and 5 years

Today has been a week since I stopped taking my thyroid medicine. Another 2 weeks to go. I am utterly tired. I'm pretty sure I could hibernate for the next month and wake up still tired. Yet I can keep going easily, I found no problem working 14 hours yesterday, I will find no problem doing what I always do while I have thyroid supplements in me. This is something that I have to go through twice a year for the next 5 years. Until I am in remission. Quite a word there....remission. I don't really think about it until this time of the year comes up for me. It is almost embarrassing for me to explain what I have been through. I don't want people to have pity, or think me weak, because I am not. There is nothing that they can do for me and I don't want to be noticed for it. I have a thick shell, that only a few have broken through. I really could probably count them on both hands and that would be it. I'm not sure where it stems from but no bother. I let it be who I am. I wanted to keep my thyroid, put it in a jar, and poke at it and yell at it. Tell it that it was stupid and take out some anger at it when I got mad that I have to go through this now. Maybe shake the jar in the sky and tell it how much it is messing me up right now. The doctors wouldn't let me keep it. They had to cut it all up and run tests on it and throw it away and forget about it. Now, it is something that I will always have to remember. Each day I wake up and realize that I am different since it was taken away. I just want to feel more normal, to feel like I used to. To talk like I used to, to not bleed for almost a month and then get another period after stopping for 4 days only for it to keep going again for another couple weeks. Then to be so anemic that my ankles puff up and feel like they are going to split and I ache all over and have weird heart palpitations. I want to have the energy every day to be motivated, to be creative, to be excited. I get down about all of the hard work that I did to lose weight, and now I gained it back and can't lose an ounce. I want the doctors to listen to me and to up my medication so that I can feel normal again. Fuck the issues with heart problems and liver problems when I get older because of having more medication if I can't even enjoy the things that I want to now. I feel hurt and hardened. This doesn't help. Yet I am softer, more pliable. I roll with the punches better. I realize how important life and love is. I appreciate everything that I have been given and everything I work for more. Life is poignant, and I don't think that I would ever be at this stage if I had not gone through this issue that brings me to remission. It is a waiting period that I hope and believe that will bring blessings just as much as it has brought curses.

Blessings and Splashes

Many people hate the character Gollum in the Lord of the Rings and Hobbit series, but I love this guy. I think that there is a simple truth to the things he says and he just lays it out there raw and open to vulnerability. In the Hobbit his new saying is "Blessings and Splashes!"  Simple, but yet if you think about it, not at all. Every day we are met with blessings in our lives. Something goes great, we get a great laugh, we talk to people that make us happy, dinner is delicious, gas prices are low again, they have my favorite show on Netflix, etc. But then there are those splashes that also greet us every day as well. Unexpected migraine, news that family is not doing well, money having to be spent on a car part, working extra for people that don't show up at work, etc.  In fact, the same thing in life can be a blessing and a splash. One of my best friends, Cory, had a baby this past week. More than anything he was so fearful for his wife during her delivery, and for this new life that he was going to have to protect and take care of. He was worried about paying the rent on his house each month before this, but now it was going to be even harder for him. Yet, here was this precious little baby boy born on Valentines day that swept him off of his feet and he is happier than anyone could ever explain or feel. I guess that the main point I am getting at is that the good always comes with the bad. It is inherent in our lives, it is something that we don't ever speak of unless we want to rejoice or complain to our family and friends. It is a balancing act that will always continue. To all that read this I hope that your blessings are continually bigger than your splashes!

Nostalgia

I'm feeling nostalgic this evening. Thinking of old friends, new friends, old loves, new loves and everyone in between. Nothing seems right except to think about them.  I don't want to be really doing anything else. My mind is full of memories, expectations, and love. I've been a lot of places and done a lot of things. Yet nothing brings better feelings in me than what I have had in the past and what I have now with my family and friends. I could drown everything out with stupid stuff that doesn't matter, but it always comes back that the most happiness I get is out of people. Everything else seems superficial. So just know that tonight, I miss you, I love you, I remember you, I wish that I was surrounded by you all, but for now I will relish in those nostalgic feelings and feel happy.

Workaholic

I've been labeled a "work-a-holic" more than once. Recently I stuck around work just because I felt like things needed done on our anniversary party evening, even though we had perfectly capable people there to do everything. My own employees tell me to sit down and relax all the time. They tell me to let them do everything. How many people actually do so much that others tell them to stop working? Yikes! What was even worse is that I didn't come home and spend it with the man I love even though I was going to be working over 12 hours each day for the next two days. This put us into an argument where he said that I didn't want to spend time with him...blah, blah, blah. Of course I didn't even think about it that way. It was in no way a means to get away from him, or anything else. I was just involved in my work more than I should have. I should have considered the fact that I was going to fit in 38 hours of work into 3 days and all I would be doing when I got home each night was shower and fall asleep. Stupid me.

I tend to give too much, I stay later than I should. I stick around to finish things even thought they could be taken care of the next day, or by someone else. I have the silly mentality that I can do it faster and better than someone else. I micro-manage things. I go overboard, really. I need to learn how to stop doing that. It affects my relationships, it affects my stress levels. It overall, is not a good thing. But yet I don't know how to not do it. It is so deeply ingrained into me to constantly be "managing" things around me. I take it home with me sometimes. I've found that I often have a hard time relaxing. I can't just sit down and let everything just unwind easily. This really is a struggle that I deal with. I want to be more easy going and just let things happen as they will without me having to control every situation around me. I have been working on it. Making conscious efforts to stop when I think I am going to far. Leaving work early without some things done. Delegating work to others so that I can do the essential things that only I can do around there. Coming home and sitting down...without something to do. The thing is that I love my job. I enjoy being there. I enjoy the friendship and camaraderie that we share there. The thing is, each day I learn something. As I get older I find that all of those little things don't matter. It is the friendships, the connections that we make with people is what matters and what makes our hearts happy more than anything. So maybe I stick around more now to be around that, I am immersed in a wonderful business. Wonderful people. Wonderful co-workers that appreciate and trust me and that makes me want to stick around more than I should. AND since I am there I may as well do some work.....haha! I'm never going to get out of this, am I?

It Was a Good Day

Ever have a day where it just brought you back to life? One that made you feel better and energized you to be able to keep going? This past Monday was one of those days. I have been getting a lot of headaches lately, due to the heat, and whatever reasons my head decides to hate me. I just know that they seem to always show up on my day off, or weekends and it is unfortunate that I miss so much excellent time that I could be living instead of wasting it trying to get through the pain. Well, to get back to Monday, I was feeling great. My boyfriend and I both had the day off, which is rare nowadays. We started off with a breakfast of champs and hot coffee. Afterwards we went over to the winery that I work at and Dustin had a crew there that was helping him crush 10 tons of Tempranillo grapes to put them in the steel tanks for fermentation. We stayed a couple hours to help out, got wine stains to carry with us through the day and headed out of Fort Worth to Weatherford. Basically the rest of the day was shooting guns at a gun range, visiting friends and having dinner with them, seeing family and talking around the dining room table, then heading home tired and happy. One of the best parts was falling asleep in the arms of someone I love with a smile on my face. You just can't beat that feeling. It may be better than anything else.

Pet Peeve

I just got a phone call from a fellow that had my address wrong for a bill that I have been waiting to receive for a couple months. Basically, he could not hear me correctly because of my voice, kept talking over me, told me that my bill was delinquent, whereupon I told him that it was their fault for getting the address wrong and finally he got to the point where he said that I was not listening to him. I told him that I wanted to receive the bill in the mail, and not pay to someone over the phone when I certainly do not know for sure who they are. He wanted all of my information and had some already. I proceeded to tell him that any one could have that information if they really wanted it. He rattled off my birthdate and last 4 digits of my social security card and again said that I was not listening to him and needed to give him my bank account number and routing number. I promptly hung up on him in a flurry of anger. Threaten me and tell me that I'm not listening? That is my one thing that I will not tolerate from someone. I was trying to talk to him, but he kept proceeding to interrupt me again and again so that I could not get a word in edgewise. I, unfortunately, have found that since my voice is different that people do that much more than they used to. I don't have inflection in my voice like I used to and if I am talking about something mundane, people lose interest faster it seems. I gladly was going to pay over the phone for the bill that I was late on, even though it was their fault for getting my address incorrect. But when he pulled that stunt, all bets were off.

Wonderful Ohio

I went back to Ohio a couple weeks ago...it was wonderful. I flew in and stayed with mom for a few days. Did I mention it was wonderful? I saw friends, spent so much time with Mama, and I got to see my Dad who I haven't seen since I moved. I went on a couple girls nights out with my friends. It really was wonderful. I got a new tattoo, I realized how short I am conpared to the men in my family, and I went to a 80th birthday party for my Grandpa where all of the family and kids were there. What a celebration of my Grandpa's life it is to know I am a part of an amazing loving family. Again, wonderful comes to mind. I took a nap under a dogwood in a hammock, I went to the sale and got all dusty, I held newborn babies, I hugged my Mama every chance that I could. I love her wonderful hugs. I took walks with the family on the hill and watched my family run through the tall grass, I dressed up and went to a vintage jewelry party and drank martini's. It was all together wonderful. It was a trip I needed. It helped mend my heart in many ways.