Let Me Learn From Where I Have Been

I listen to the robot in the kitchen and the little voice of a sweet 4 year old playing with his Daddy. I hear a father laugh as he talks to his son about boy things. There is dancing and laughing. Christmas music is playing and I am relishing in the glow of this time of year. It has been an eventful day. We woke up a sleepy eyed boy to sit around the tree and open presents with. We had a big homemade breakfast complete with cheesy eggs and lots of coffee to wash it down. We played...and played. We went over to Grandpas house and opened more gifts followed by sitting around and talking and watching the kids play. Back home we watched Christmas movies for the rest of the night and played some more. Now I sit and watch my handsome man play his new video games. We stay this way until we can't stay awake anymore and then fall asleep, as always, in each others arms. Comforted to be together as we always are each day.
I reminisce over the past year and everything we have been through together. We have had some volatile days. I have had some volatile days. Ones where I am not sure if I can hold it together any longer. Ones where I have expressed more than I should, I have been mean. Just plain angry and taken it out on others when I could no longer hold it in anymore. I don't trust my intuition as I once used to. I feel unsure of myself sometimes around others, afraid to look a fool. Even though I feel a fool for thinking that way when I know I should not. I have found true friends again. Ones that have been through life and hurts as much as or even more than I have. In all of our brokenness we are family and know that we are there for each other through anything. I love them something fierce.
This year has held so many changes. I have been in more hospitals and doctors offices than I can count. My body has played so many games with me. I grew cancer in me for who knows how long, and still have the uncertainty of still possibly having it. I almost bled to death after a nasty series of health issues threw me in the hospital. I layed in bed for a week in confinement to my room with a nuclear pill that was the same uranium-plutonium fission used in Chernobyl. It made me so violently ill, that I thought my face may just become one with my pillow...or the bathroom floor. My voice turned into a uncontrolled and high pitched instrument for people to have to draw nearer to me to even hear it when I spoke. To this day I feel, in my heart, that it will never be the same as it once was. I will never have the control over it that I used to. I wont be able to sing a solo, or sing a song to someone without feeling my voice break and not being able to hit the notes it should. Of all of the things that I have physically went through it is losing the control over my voice that I am most regretful about. I don't know why it bothers me so much. People say that it sounds fine, but in my head it is so much different than it once was. I was a mimicker. I could mimic voices, songs, characters from movies better than most all other people that I knew. I could sing along to my favorite songs and not think that my voice was annoying and way off key. It hurts to know that anything other than a normal level conversation will make my voice fly off into unknown delights of squeaks, and pitches. I still have issues chugging liquids and I often choke on a small sip of water. It makes me feel very sad and defeated. And to have it happen all of the time, because I talk alot,  just reminds me all the time of it.
I have had the overwhelming fortune of becoming an event and food manager at a winery as well as start my own small fun business at home making pillows and other decorations to sell on Etsy. I have sold only a handful, but it has allowed me to bring out some creativity and express the fun side of what inspires me. I find it stretches my thinking process and allows me to become more creative as I go; when I thought I had lost much of it as I became older.   
 I thank God that I have a voice, I thank God that I am alive, I thank God that I have family and friends that love me,  and that dark times bring hope. I thank God, that no matter what, I have someone that loves me through it all and wants to without reservations. I thank God for an amazing job, and talents that let me show my creative side. Overall, it has been a year of going through a lot of trials...but by the grace of God, go I.

This song is so meaningful to me...may I always have eyes to serve and hands to learn.

You were cold as the blood through your bones
And the light which led us from our chosen homes
Well I was lost

And now I sleep,
Sleep the hours that I can't weep
When all I knew was steeped in blackened hopes
Well I was lost

Keep the earth below my feet
From my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I have been
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

And I was still but I was under your spell
When I was told by Jesus all was well
So all must be well

Just give me time
Well you know your desires and mine
So wrap my flesh in ivy and in twine
For I must be well

Keep the earth below my feet
From my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I have been
Well keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

Keep the earth below my feet
From my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I have been
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Below My Feet- Mumford and Sons