Thoughts Arrive Like Butterflies

I was looking at old posts on this blog the other day and I was suprised how much of it I really remember. There were things that flooded my memory that I had not thought of in years. It was pleasant and bittersweet to read those words because life has changed so much since then. I wonder if I forgot them intentionally, or if I just let them slip through my mind, only to surface once in a while as a past glimpse.

I had a dream a few days ago as I was getting a much needed nap (which I rarely get anymore) that I was laying in bed and all of my cats jumped onto the bed and surrounded me like they used to. It was so real to me, at first I questioned if it was real, and in my dream I felt like it was, and I was so happy. I was worried, because my love is extremely allergic to cats and I thought that when he got home from work, I would have to clean the entire house. But at that time I just wanted them with me. My old man Farley, jumped up into my arms under the covers on my left side with his head on my arm like he used to and purred in my ear as we snuggled up together. Big orange Junior jumped up and layed in between my knees, and silly, slightly retarded Butters lay by my right side. I lay there relishing in the moment, it felt as if they were really there, but I also knew that this dream would finish soon since I was on the verge of awakening. I miss that Big man Farley. He was my lover and my everyday hugger. Even now I feel so bad that I left him at my past home in Ohio. He was ill and I found out that Sam had to put him down because he became more ill after I left. I wonder everyday if part of Farley slipping faster was because of me and I feel so bad about it. More than that I feel so much guilt when I think of Ohio. Friends I let down, family that wont talk to me anymore, family that I hardly ever get to see, a profession that went down the tubes. There is so much pain in my heart from Ohio. Some days I just want to be back though. Back to normal routines, back to snowy days, muddy days, cold days, any day. Because if I was back I would be HOME. Texas is my "home", but in no way is it where I would choose to be if I had every liberty in the world to do so. I have an amazing job now that is wonderful. I really do have an amazing group of friends there. But I am quiet now. I hold too many old things in my past that I dont find the need to talk about. A little of that sadness and guilt lingers in the back of my mind. Everyone has some of that in their life, so I know I am not the only one.
All of this is not to say that I am unhappy with where I am. I just let things get to me some days so much that I think that I let the memories slip away so that they dont hurt as much.