Friday, November 19, 2010

Where to begin?

If I knew what to write I would have started long ago. But the words seem to escape me lately. I want to write and tell of all the changes in my life, but some are too difficult to express, and others are too personal and close to home to share. Here are some things I've learned or thought about over the past several months...

...distance doesn't make your heart separate from home and those you love there. I have never felt such burdening heartache or homesickness than in this time of my life. There are some days that I just want to go home and get a hug from my Mama, there are days when all I can think of is walking through the woods and creeks that I know every step of the way. I miss the ease of just getting to sit and hang out with my friends and family. I miss knowing that there are so many close to me that I know and cherish and can see anytime that I want. I am a stranger here. I don't have connections, I don't have friends. It is the weirdest feeling to know that no one knows me. I can go anywhere I want and not a soul will know me from Adam. I miss my home pretty much every moment of every day.

...I wish that people wouldn't judge my decisions in life, but instead find out more about what brought me to this point before doing so. It's awful easy make a judgement based on hearsay, or what little information has been offered. I'm not one to tell everyone what is going on in my life easily. If you want to talk to me, then do it is the way I feel. I am not going to come to others if they are not wanting to deal with more things in their life. I'm afraid that I have burned bridges that will never be built again. If that is the case then I am truly sorry. I should have spoken up when it was so hard to, I should have come to those that wanted to know what was going on instead of hiding all of the things I was dealing with in life. I know it is difficult to stop what is going on in our daily lives, so I don't blame anyone for anything.

...I'm not sure that I ever really lived to the point where I took care of everything myself. It is an interesting, satisfying, and scary feeling to know that I am providing for myself now. I pay the bills, I support myself, I make the decisions on what is available to me each day. Especially since each day I am scrounging to pay my bills and provide shelter and food to my table. I never was totally aware of how much work was involved in daily living. I was sheltered from it in ways to not cause me stress or anxiety over it, and I understand the burden it places on each of us much more intricately now.

None of this is to say that I am not happy; because I am. I have found that I love cooking and baking again. Gosh, I missed the simple joys of making food and what fun that gave me. I've been reading books again. Not the ones I was required to read for school, these are ones I am actually excited to read. I am working a weekday job that doesnt kill my body everyday. I just started a new weekend job that will hopefully give me some more opportunities to ground myself into life here and looks to be a lot of fun. I love the fact that I can still go outside in a light jacket in November, and that I can open the curtains of my home and have the sun shine brightly into the windows each day. The sky is so immense and spread out here. The trees and small hills offer little break to the far off scenery that I can catch a glimpse of from my patio and so many areas around where I live.

Thanks for reading in and have a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with those you love and cherish.