Sunday, April 20, 2014

3 weeks and 5 years

Today has been a week since I stopped taking my thyroid medicine. Another 2 weeks to go. I am utterly tired. I'm pretty sure I could hibernate for the next month and wake up still tired. Yet I can keep going easily, I found no problem working 14 hours yesterday, I will find no problem doing what I always do while I have thyroid supplements in me. This is something that I have to go through twice a year for the next 5 years. Until I am in remission. Quite a word there....remission. I don't really think about it until this time of the year comes up for me. It is almost embarrassing for me to explain what I have been through. I don't want people to have pity, or think me weak, because I am not. There is nothing that they can do for me and I don't want to be noticed for it. I have a thick shell, that only a few have broken through. I really could probably count them on both hands and that would be it. I'm not sure where it stems from but no bother. I let it be who I am. I wanted to keep my thyroid, put it in a jar, and poke at it and yell at it. Tell it that it was stupid and take out some anger at it when I got mad that I have to go through this now. Maybe shake the jar in the sky and tell it how much it is messing me up right now. The doctors wouldn't let me keep it. They had to cut it all up and run tests on it and throw it away and forget about it. Now, it is something that I will always have to remember. Each day I wake up and realize that I am different since it was taken away. I just want to feel more normal, to feel like I used to. To talk like I used to, to not bleed for almost a month and then get another period after stopping for 4 days only for it to keep going again for another couple weeks. Then to be so anemic that my ankles puff up and feel like they are going to split and I ache all over and have weird heart palpitations. I want to have the energy every day to be motivated, to be creative, to be excited. I get down about all of the hard work that I did to lose weight, and now I gained it back and can't lose an ounce. I want the doctors to listen to me and to up my medication so that I can feel normal again. Fuck the issues with heart problems and liver problems when I get older because of having more medication if I can't even enjoy the things that I want to now. I feel hurt and hardened. This doesn't help. Yet I am softer, more pliable. I roll with the punches better. I realize how important life and love is. I appreciate everything that I have been given and everything I work for more. Life is poignant, and I don't think that I would ever be at this stage if I had not gone through this issue that brings me to remission. It is a waiting period that I hope and believe that will bring blessings just as much as it has brought curses.

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