Let Me Learn From Where I Have Been

I listen to the robot in the kitchen and the little voice of a sweet 4 year old playing with his Daddy. I hear a father laugh as he talks to his son about boy things. There is dancing and laughing. Christmas music is playing and I am relishing in the glow of this time of year. It has been an eventful day. We woke up a sleepy eyed boy to sit around the tree and open presents with. We had a big homemade breakfast complete with cheesy eggs and lots of coffee to wash it down. We played...and played. We went over to Grandpas house and opened more gifts followed by sitting around and talking and watching the kids play. Back home we watched Christmas movies for the rest of the night and played some more. Now I sit and watch my handsome man play his new video games. We stay this way until we can't stay awake anymore and then fall asleep, as always, in each others arms. Comforted to be together as we always are each day.
I reminisce over the past year and everything we have been through together. We have had some volatile days. I have had some volatile days. Ones where I am not sure if I can hold it together any longer. Ones where I have expressed more than I should, I have been mean. Just plain angry and taken it out on others when I could no longer hold it in anymore. I don't trust my intuition as I once used to. I feel unsure of myself sometimes around others, afraid to look a fool. Even though I feel a fool for thinking that way when I know I should not. I have found true friends again. Ones that have been through life and hurts as much as or even more than I have. In all of our brokenness we are family and know that we are there for each other through anything. I love them something fierce.
This year has held so many changes. I have been in more hospitals and doctors offices than I can count. My body has played so many games with me. I grew cancer in me for who knows how long, and still have the uncertainty of still possibly having it. I almost bled to death after a nasty series of health issues threw me in the hospital. I layed in bed for a week in confinement to my room with a nuclear pill that was the same uranium-plutonium fission used in Chernobyl. It made me so violently ill, that I thought my face may just become one with my pillow...or the bathroom floor. My voice turned into a uncontrolled and high pitched instrument for people to have to draw nearer to me to even hear it when I spoke. To this day I feel, in my heart, that it will never be the same as it once was. I will never have the control over it that I used to. I wont be able to sing a solo, or sing a song to someone without feeling my voice break and not being able to hit the notes it should. Of all of the things that I have physically went through it is losing the control over my voice that I am most regretful about. I don't know why it bothers me so much. People say that it sounds fine, but in my head it is so much different than it once was. I was a mimicker. I could mimic voices, songs, characters from movies better than most all other people that I knew. I could sing along to my favorite songs and not think that my voice was annoying and way off key. It hurts to know that anything other than a normal level conversation will make my voice fly off into unknown delights of squeaks, and pitches. I still have issues chugging liquids and I often choke on a small sip of water. It makes me feel very sad and defeated. And to have it happen all of the time, because I talk alot,  just reminds me all the time of it.
I have had the overwhelming fortune of becoming an event and food manager at a winery as well as start my own small fun business at home making pillows and other decorations to sell on Etsy. I have sold only a handful, but it has allowed me to bring out some creativity and express the fun side of what inspires me. I find it stretches my thinking process and allows me to become more creative as I go; when I thought I had lost much of it as I became older.   
 I thank God that I have a voice, I thank God that I am alive, I thank God that I have family and friends that love me,  and that dark times bring hope. I thank God, that no matter what, I have someone that loves me through it all and wants to without reservations. I thank God for an amazing job, and talents that let me show my creative side. Overall, it has been a year of going through a lot of trials...but by the grace of God, go I.

This song is so meaningful to me...may I always have eyes to serve and hands to learn.

You were cold as the blood through your bones
And the light which led us from our chosen homes
Well I was lost

And now I sleep,
Sleep the hours that I can't weep
When all I knew was steeped in blackened hopes
Well I was lost

Keep the earth below my feet
From my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I have been
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

And I was still but I was under your spell
When I was told by Jesus all was well
So all must be well

Just give me time
Well you know your desires and mine
So wrap my flesh in ivy and in twine
For I must be well

Keep the earth below my feet
From my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I have been
Well keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

Keep the earth below my feet
From my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I have been
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Below My Feet- Mumford and Sons

Vedder Love

I fell in love all over again...it seems that my life long love of Eddie Vedder and Pearl Jam will never die. I spent some of the best hours of my life listening to him sing from his solo tour that was postponed from April to thurdsay and it was worth the wait. I have been to quite a lot of Pearl Jam concerts. Huge venues, stadiums, outdoor pavillions, I have had amazing seats just rows from them. I got within an arms length of sharing the wine passed around from Crazy Mary. I just cannot get enough of them. Their songs...Eddie's voice is in my soul.

This concert was different. It was a close venue. Maybe only 1000 people there at the most. I got seats in the front row in the middle of the balcony, It was very intimate and personal the entire night. Glen Hansard from The Swell Season opened up and his voice is incredible. He was witty and really drew in the crowd to make the night feel special. Eddie came out and sang some of the most intimate songs from all of his albums. One of the most memorable parts of the night was when Eddie and Glen stood in front of the stage with only their voices and a ukelele and sang with just the acoustics of the music hall. It was incredible to just hear their voices...no microphones, no speakers. Simply their voices. I have never had the chance to do that and I probably will never get that opportunity again. I was in awe all over again at that moment. The decorations were awesome. Backdrops that looked like backstreet alleys, a backlit canvas tent with a campfire next to Eddie that was "lit" and blowing flames and smoke out of it. There was a backdrop of twinkling stars that he sang under like it we were all sitting around the campfire with him and his guitar. He had a beer box with a bass pedal for some percussion and a stomp box that he used as well. With every song he played a different instrument. Ukelele, acoustic guitars, electric guitars, and a mandolin that he referred to as an "aristrocratic bitch" compared to the ukelele. He messed up the words to Elderly Woman and Just Breathe. He talked about what an honor it was for Willie Nelson to make a cover of Just Breathe and he said that he listened to it so many times that afterwards he couldnt sing it the same. He sang a little how Wille sang it with a twang in his voice and had everyone laughing. He told stories about friends, he made fun of a drunk lady in the crowd, he talked about erections, elections, and marijuana. He politely asked a woman that was annoyingly screaming to please, for her safety, stop because the people behind her were going to murder her. The last song that was played was "Hard Sun". I took the picture on this post during that song. He was interactive with the crowd and so funny. He was just really engaging and I could tell that he wanted to be there and was having a great time and still loved getting to sing for all of us.

The setlist for the night:

1. Walking the Cow (Daniel Johnston cover)
2. Brain Damage (Pink Floyd cover)
3. Sometimes
4. Can't Keep
5. Sleeping By Myself
6. Without You
7. The Needle and the Damage Done (Neil Young cover)
8. Don't Be Shy (Cat Stevens cover)
9. Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town
10. Far Behind
11. No Ceiling
12. Setting Forth
13. Guaranteed
14. Rise
15. Long Nights (with Glen Hansard)
16. Driftin'
17. Better ManP
18. Immortality
19. Lukin
20. Porch
21. Encore:
21. I Believe In Miracles (Ramones cover)
22. I Am a Patriot (Little Steven cover)
23. Just Breathe
24. Unthought Known
25. Tonight You Belong To Me (Lawrence Welk cover)
26. Society (Jerry Hannan cover)(with Glen Hansard)
27. Sleepless Nights (The Everly Brothers cover)(with Glen Hansard)
28. Falling Slowly (The Swell Season cover)(with Glen Hansard)
29. Crazy Mary (Victoria Williams cover)
30. The End
31. Rockin' in the Free World (Neil Young cover)
32. Encore 2:
32. Hard Sun (Indio cover)

 

Letter for Low Spirits

As this past week saw me back in the hospital for 2 days for an unseen, and very scary occurrence, I remembered this letter that I found the other day that spoke to my heart in this time I have been adjusting to. It speaks volumes to what makes life better and every time I read it and think on the advice, it helps me.
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A letter from Sydney Smith to Lady Georgiana Morpeth, Feb. 16, 1820:

Dear Lady Georgiana,– Nobody has suffered more from low spirits than I have done — so I feel for you.
1st. Live as well as you dare.
2nd. Go into the shower-bath with a small quantity of water at a temperature low enough to give you a slight sensation of cold, 75° or 80°.
3rd. Amusing books.
4th. Short views of human life — not further than dinner or tea.
5th. Be as busy as you can.
6th. See as much as you can of those friends who respect and like you.
7th. And of those acquaintances who amuse you.
8th. Make no secret of low spirits to your friends, but talk of them freely — they are always worse for dignified concealment.
9th. Attend to the effects tea and coffee produce upon you.
10th. Compare your lot with that of other people.
11th. Don’t expect too much from human life — a sorry business at the best.
12th. Avoid poetry, dramatic representations (except comedy), music, serious novels, melancholy, sentimental people, and everything likely to excite feeling or emotion, not ending in active benevolence.
13th. Do good, and endeavour to please everybody of every degree.
14th. Be as much as you can in the open air without fatigue.
15th. Make the room where you commonly sit, gay and pleasant.
16th. Struggle by little and little against idleness.
17th. Don’t be too severe upon yourself, or underrate yourself, but do yourself justice.
18th. Keep good blazing fires.
19th. Be firm and constant in the exercise of rational religion.
20th. Believe me, dear Lady Georgiana,

Very truly yours,
Sydney Smith

Sleepy-time and Pumpkins

I'm so tired...all I want to do is sleep right now. I can't wait for normal days to catch up with me and make me feel more alive again. I push myself to do things each day, but most of the time my motivation and concentration is so lacking that I can't push through that invisible barrier that holds me back. In my noggin I plan on all of these things I want, or should be doing, but less than half of them pan out. I go for the easy route lately, and think to myself that I will worry about the big things soon enough.
Doctor says that we will check to see how my thyroid levels are in a week or two when enough thyroid meds are in my body at optimum capacity. Until then, I know that they are not near enough, and that I definitely will need to up the dosage that I was getting before surgery. My speech pathologist says that I have one vocal cord that is paralyzed, and we will see if it livens up within a year of surgery. If not then it will probably not at all. I seem to remember her saying that it was working just a little after my surgery at some point when she checked it, but now it's not. I wake myself up making funny noises at night. It's as if my vocal cords rub together and make vocal noises. Kind of silly, and it makes me laugh, although I still can't do that well either.
On a different note...I have come to embrace the fall season and anything pumpkin. Yes, I said it, pumpkin. I found pumpkin pie pop tarts, pumpkin butter at Trader Joes, pumpkin pie yogurt, pumpkin flavored coffee, pumpkin bagels with pumpkin cream cheese spread, pumpkin butterscotch cake. Really anything pumpkiny and spicy is yummy to my tastebuds right now, since most all foods taste weaker and not as sweet or salty to my senses because of all this medical stuff. Most foods have a slimy consistency, and they taste buttery to me. It is very odd. I mostly eat bland foods...except for pumpkiny goodness. I wish it was fall and pumpkin season all year long!

Gone

I remember walking those halls, hand in hand, looking over all of the beautiful work. Those were happy days. We silently seperated and went through the room, only to converge in front of a couple works to look at them, hand in hand again, listening to the curator as she explained small tidbits about certain ones or changed the lighting so that we could see what was brought out with the lights changing facets. He found his first, it was beautiful and graceful. I could see it in the forefront of a church, its beautiful blues sweeping over the floor. I found mine after.
It caught me up in the way that it was stark. The lines were nothing that I had seen before in that kind of art, sharp angles, almost geometric. The colors were more neutral and did not stand out as the others did, yet the angles and how it was displayed stood out to me. It struck me how simple it was, because that was all that I wanted in who was in the picture.
We took them home after they were framed in gorgeous antique gold frames and black matting. Over the years they changed places on the walls a few times. We would turn on the art lights over them when company came over so that they could stand out a little more. I would often stand and look at them, at mine, for minutes on end, catching new details and pulling in their immensity in the dynamic smallness.
Quite a few years later we parted, along with possessions seperated. It was a sad time, a scary time. Many things I layed down and just let him have, I did not want to bother with the diatribes, the fights over who paid for it, who used it more, who deserved it more. I felt guilt over what I had done, my life had been turned upside down and I wanted to run. I was mortified that I had let my profession slide out of my hands, I saw pity in their eyes and I did not want to see that. I held so strong to a belief for so long that was really never there after hearing his words that we never truly loved each other. I know that I did...in a way I always will. I think he is just lying to himself to see those words and make the world believe it. Or maybe he truly felt that way and I was misled. Either way it was the saddest part of my life and one that changed my heart and took something away from me that I will never get back.
I took that stark piece of art when I moved out. I hung it on the wall at my mothers house. It looked so nice in those sunlit rooms. I made a big move and did not want to take the art and have it destroyed on the long trip. I would come back for it after I was settled in. I thought about it often, wondered how I would bring it with me when I was visiting next and where I would put it when I returned to my new home. I found a perfect spot, I moved things so that I could hang it as soon as I returned back from getting it. To my suprise it was not there any more when I returned to my mothers to get it. She said that he came, one day out of the blue, months after things were final and took it. Acted like I knew what was going on and took it out of her home. She was too nice to know.
I got there and wondered where it was. I couldn't wait to lay my eyes on it again. The first question I asked when I got in the house. "Where is my painting?"...it was gone. Six months later gone. It changed something in me towards him that day that I had never seen in him. I had never seen him lie or steal so blatantly. I am inconsolable, to this day. I want that  art back more than anything, because it was something that symbolized something to me. It was stark life and geometric simplicity in my Savior in that art. It was happiness together and warm memories of a time we had for awhile. I am at a loss for how to get it back from a man that took it from me without any regard. Gone.

Preparing for the next step

I always seem to be preparing for something. This past week, as well as the next  couple weeks, will be spent on a special no iodine diet and all medications dropped and out of my system. It hasn't been difficult at all yet. I pretty much have to make everything from scratch to eat, and the fact that I cannot eat any cheese makes me frown is only a minor thing. I never realized that practically everything has salt in it. Cereals, packaged meats, canned anything, some frozen veggies, marshmallows...everything. I love the fact that I live so close to some amazing farmers markets and healthier alternative grocery stores (Trader Joes and Central Market are less than 10 minutes from me). So getting fresh, whole foods hasn't been difficult. My kitchen is stocked up with food, I just have to make it. My energy has dramatically dropped in the 4 days of this diet already, so I am concerned how it will be in a couple weeks when I will be void of all medication or iodine in my body. I work in the evenings 4-5 days a week and I think the rest of the time will be spent resting and saving up energy for that. The Winery I work at is having their 3 year anniversary on Tuesday and I will be there most of the day to help prepare and then work the crazy celebration. In a couple weeks I will be confined to my apartment in isolation from anyone for 7 days to drain the radiation from my body and not make anyone else radioactive. I am looking forward to it in a way. Soaking in the bath a couple times a day to draw toxins out of me. Resting and catching up on reading and writing letters to people that deserve more of my attention than I give them, among other things. After that, the next step.

No Voice, No Answer

Today has been odd. And not in a good way. I have just felt that no one wants to answer any of my questions. It's almost as if no one wants to talk to me. Well, in my mind, that they basically don't want to deal with me. I have been on the phone most of the morning dealing with medical stuff. If you know me, I'm not great with phone calls anyways, especially business related things. The worst part is I am just getting the run around. I cannot get a straight answer. I have left messages for days with people, I have given my phone number, and email address, and information to so many people, I have asked to speak with the person who can give me answers, and all I get is more waiting. I am at their mercy, and I am waiting. I still hardly have a voice to speak with, and I sound like a little girl on the line. I wonder if they think that I am just making fun of the whole process sometimes because of my voice. In my head I sound ridiculous, others say it sounds sweet, and they don't even think anything of it. But I am getting frustrated in how much I have to repeat myself, and I wonder if I am even getting respect. I think I am only getting sympathy at this point. I don't want that. I just want answers!
If I could scream, I just might. It just sounds like a whisper at this point. I have no forcefulness behind my voice, I cannot project my voice. Heck, I went through a drive-thru the other day, and they couldn't hear me, so I had to go up to the window and place my order. I talk to people coming into the winery I work at everyday, I talk to them about the wines, I conduct wine tastings, I answer any detail that they have questions about. I get breathless, I feel like I have to scream to get out words loud enough to hear. At the end of the night my voice is so high pitch that I feel like my head is going to pop and my incision on my neck just throbs.

It's almost been a month since my surgery. I feel great, I have energy. I thought that these things would be the hardest to deal with, but they aren't. The biggest thing that gets to me is my voice. I can whistle like a bird, but I cannot sing, I cannot laugh, I cannot yell, I cannot talk like the ladies man, or talk like an old person. I have been told that I sound like Miss Piggy or Consuelo from family guy. They were trying to make me laugh about it and feel better. I hope and pray that it will come back one day. It could be months, it could be different forever. I wish I had an answer.

Scary Word

I'm sitting here at 5am, in the dark, with only the glow of my computer to light things. The house is still and cool. I had surgery yesterday...I got my thyroid taken out...and the basically the first words I hear when I wake up is cancer. I think I was too groggy to think about it yesterday as I came out of anesthesia. Now, as I sit here, with a stiff neck and not breathing so good because of the swelling, it becomes more real to me. Doctors say it like it is nothing, everyone skirts the issue when talking about it. I have cancer though. The Dr says that he should have gotten it all out when he took my thyroid out, but whos to say how long I have had it and if it was just contained in my thyroid? I will find out in a week, in the meantime I'll just work on recovery from surgery and take a day at a time.

Random Thoughts

I really don't have much to talk about. Seems that life throws curves from every side as we go along. I used to tihink that as I got older I would be able to cut out all those extra projects and things to do. I find that I always have more to do. For me it isn't just simple to drop things, to leave things behind without finishing them. I say yes to too much, I go farther than I should, and then I find that I didn't really get as much satisfaction out of it as I wanted. Although it is good to know that someone else was helped.
Recent events have shown me that I cannot always even trust those that I used to be close to. I've learned that those that I am not yet that close to carry more love and respect towards me than I could have ever asked for. I've found that even when I am hurting and down, there is always someone out there thinking of me and loving me.
I don't talk much, I don't tell people whats going on much. Honestly, I don't know what is going on in my head most of the time either. It is so hard to make sense of this mess in my head, that I just don't often try. One day all the mess will make sense to me.

New Words

My friend at work has a word that he uses for people or things that basically suck. Life situations, mean people, really anything. That word is...wait for it....Baduga. Used like, "that guy is such a baduga". Or "I feel like a baduga". Maybe this little ditty..."I really baduga'd". It always sounds funny. And it works to say it and not have a person know what you are talking about if it is directed at them.

Anyways, the reason that I write that is because life has been pretty "baduga" as of the past couple months. And I don't want people to worry about me or feel sorry. I know barely anyone even ever reads this blog anymore, but it is nice to write on whats on my mind as I go through life. Whether good or bad. As I was saying I noticed my health was kind of sinking a little, I just was more tired, not able to concentrate as much, and I had a huge catch in my throat at all times. I figured it was working so much and that it was just catching up with me. But this was worse than just being tired, I know that tiredness, and what this was and it was way different. I also noticed that I was choking on alot of foods that never gave me any problem. I also had a little trouble breathing with simple things like going up my stairs. It started to concern me that my thyroid was acting up. So I made an appointment with my doctor. Turns out my thyroid is growing. It has moved my trachea over and pushed my vocal cords on the one side to the point of paralysis so that they are stretched as tight as they can against my trachea. Basically, I cannot put off my thyroid removal any more and I need to have surgery soon to remove it. Pretty baduga, right? Haha, I can't wait.

Updates

I found myself sick a couple weeks ago and unfortunately it has been sticking with me a couple weeks ago. It started with a chest cold that turned to bronchitis and an ear infection and now is working it's way out of my system, slowly but surely. I haven't been breathing real well with it and it has zapped all of my energy to the point where I am just super tired. I was having trouble climbing the 2 sets of stairs to my second floor apartment there for awhile. Each day I have felt a little better though. I just did not want to take any antibiotics and then get sick all over again because my immune system was weakened by the drugs. Oh well, day 15 of this stupid sickness is here and I can't wait to be done with it.

In the midst of all of that I went job hunting again...I had 3 calls in 2 days time from the 8 applications that I put in online. Two from bakeries and one in need of a server at a country club. I accepted a almost full time job at a fun Bakery/Restaurant called the Swiss Pastry Shoppe. They remind me of a smaller scale Das Dutch Haus where I worked for 12+ years and enjoyed so much. I had my first day yesterday and they all seem really nice there, many of them have been there over 10 years and the hours fit perfect for me. I'm looking forward to being there and becoming a part of a fun mom and pop shop again.

No-Bakes

When I worked as a bakery manager I loved their no-bakes...maybe a little too much :) They were the best thing we had in that place (along with the maple creamsticks). And even though I made 1000's of dozens of them, I never got tired of them. Of course everyone likes them some chocolate and peanut butter mixed up with sugar and butter and oats. It really is just one big piece of candy. Along with the other few different varieties of cookies and candies I also made Chocolate No-Bakes for Christmas this year. I'm sharing the recipe here. Hope you enjoy!

4 cups white sugar
1/2 cup cocoa
2 sticks margarine
1 1/4 cups milk
2 cups creamy peanut butter
6 cups rolled quick oats
2 tsp. vanilla

*First...Make sure that all of your ingredients are measured out before cooking the no-bakes. Timing is of the essence when making them, because they can be too soft or too overcooked if there is any wait in the process of mixing them due to measuring things out after the mixture cooks.

*Second...In a large saucepan, mix together the sugar and cocoa till cocoa lumps are broken up well. Mix in milk and margarine. Cook over med-high, stir often and watch mixture closely. Bring to a boil and once you have a ROLLING BOIL start a timer for 2 1/2 minutes. Leave the mixture to boil and get your peanut butter, oats, and vanilla close by.

*Third...once timer is done, turn off heat and take saucepan off of stovetop. This is where you make your work fast with no interruptions until the no-bakes are scooped out. Mix in the peanut butter and vanilla. Stir peanut butter in till melted pretty well with just a few lumps left.

*Fourth...add oats. You may not need all of the oats here. Mix in enough to so that it still looks a little bit soupy, but not too much to make it look like a thick oatmeal.

*Fifth...scoop out no-bakes onto wax paper with clicky scooper whatever size you desire. Let the no-bakes cool and firm up. Eat and Enjoy!

Oh Christmas Tree...

Its a funny thing being in a state with no real "winter" conditions during the Christmas season. We've been having moderately cold weather, but I have yet to see any ice or snow. It rained for a few days and reminded me of a nice spring day in Ohio, with the overcast sky and cool rain. But nothing like the snow and ice that normally prevailed over the entire winter each year in Northeast Ohio.
Needless to say, I miss the snow and inclement conditions some days. I miss looking out the window in the morning to see how much snow we got overnight. I miss laying in bed and listening to the cars driving to work in the morning and trying to figure out how much snow is on the road by listening to their tires as they drive by. Lots of snow meant you could barely hear them as they snuck by the house. Or if the roadcrews had already been out you could hear the slushy snow underneath the tires. Here, I don't have cars drive by that much since I live in a gated apartment community, and there are no major roads right out my window (although within 1/4 mile there is major highways everywhere). Plus, I know that if I look out the window, it is probably going to be sunny and beautiful out. Of course no snow or ice to suprise me though.
Last night my Baby and I finished putting the Christmas lights on the tree, and it looks absolutely amazing.  He says that there are between 1600 and 1700 lights on it. He did most of the work of putting the lights on and I think there are 9 strands of lights added along with the 600 prelit lights that came with the tree. It is it's own source of heat in the living room as I watch it twinkle and flash and make this Christmas season somehow brighter. Christmas is his favorite time of year. His mother and him would decorate their Christmas trees with as many lights as they could fit on it and cover it with all the decorations they had stored away. They shared a love of Christmas together, and now that his mother is no longer with him, he continues the traditions that she gave to him.
So here are a few pictures of our tree pre-decorations. Enjoy :)

Memories in Insomnia

Last night I layed in bed unable to sleep and dealing with some insomnia. It's funny how thoughts past and present come to mind when you least expect them in the quiet and stillness of the night. When there is nothing else jumping in to take over thoughts and actions.
My mind went back to the hardware store by our house that my Uncle Steve worked at during high school and after called Rural Supply. We would often go there to visit and spend some time there, we went quite frequently because it was when Mom and Dad were building the log house and there was always some small item that they needed to get to finish something up. This hardware store was an old dusty store that smelled like man and tools, and rubber belts and dirt. I loved going there. What made it especially exciting was the big white rusty deep chest freezer right by the door of the store. I think it was to the left of the door when you went out even. What was inside were all kinds of ice cream treats. Popsicles, ice cream sandwiches, ice cream cones, orange pops, you name it. I don't know if the owner had a sweet tooth, or if he liked to see the smile on peoples faces when they took something from that freezer. My brother and I would literally open the lid and lean into that rusty wonder, letting cold frosty air cover our faces, looking for what we wanted when Mom or Dad gave us the go ahead.
I'm sure that Mom and Dad made us wait for the treats in the rusty white icebox till the end because, for one, that meant that we would be good until the end of the trip there. Plus any kid thinks that they will just eat up that treat, but in all reality every kid on the face of the earth makes a mess eating and inevitably Mom and Dad didn't want us dripping sticky ice cream on the ground or wiping grimy chocolate fingers on something on the shelf.
That rusty freezer caused such a warm and exciting memory. Amazing how life as a kid was filled with so much fun from a simple ice cream treat.

Eggrolls

So... I found myself with a day off and looking for things to do. I decided that the paychecks just weren't going to get into the bank on their own so I deposited them. I then went to TJ Maxx and roamed around for awhile looking for gift ideas. I found a few things, a pine scented yankee candle, some skull bottle stoppers, jeans for me (Im a sucker for good jeans), and a nerf toy for my boyfriends lil 3 year old. I then went shopping at one of my favorite grocery stores called Sprouts Farmers Market. I got avocados, broccoli, celery, cauliflower, zucchini, roma tomatoes, blackberries, oranges among other goodies such as ear candles and garlic sourdough bread :) Then to get gas for my beastly gas guzzling truck. I got home and cleaned up the place a bit and moved around the 4 totes of Christmas decorations that will be going around the house and on the tree in the next couple days. I decided to try my hand at making chinese eggrolls after that and I think they turned out pretty decent. I took a couple pictures of the funtivities involved. The recipe ensues...

Gathering all the ingredients.

Cut up the cabbage and carrots and make the oil nice and hot.

Add all of the ingredients to the pan and cook till the cabbage is slightly wilted.

Let the mixture cool down and then prepare to wrap!

There we go making some eggrolls :)

Wrapped and ready to be fryed up to eat.

Mmmmm...look at those hot little rolls!

I ran out of cabbage mixture so I had some leftover mashed potatoes from Thanksgiving and some velveeta!

Finished product, ready to eat! The top ones are the chinese eggrolls and the bottom ones are the mashed potato and cheese ones. They all turned out better than I thought. I could have wrapped up the cabbage eggrolls a little tighter, but I was afraid to tear the fragile eggroll wrappers. Fun stuff, I will definitely make them again. Heres the recipe for the chinese eggrolls if you are so inclined.

• 4 c. cabbage, coarsely chopped shopping list
• 1 or 2 tsp. red wine, optional shopping list
• 1 pkg. egg roll skins shopping list
• 2 carrots, grated shopping listshopping list
• 2 tbsp. soy sauceshopping list
• 1/2 c. chicken brothshopping list
• 1/2 tsp. saltshopping list
• 1 tsp. ground black pepper
• 1 tsp ginger powder
• 1 tsp garlic powder
• 1 tsp onion powder
• 1 tsp 5 spice powder
• 2 tsp stir fry sauceshopping list

How to make it

·       Into a large frying pan, place about 3 T. oil. Let oil get hot.

·       Throw everything into the pan, and saute until well blended and coated with oil/wilted just a tad bit---not completely shrunken, but just reduced by a bit. You don't want to over-cook. You're just looking to wilt everything a bit before the frying stage!

·       Remove from heat, pour vegetable/meat mixture into a colander and let drain into another bowl in the fridge until cool enough to handle.

·       Prepare wrappers by laying out on waxed/parchment paper.

·       Wet edges of each wrapper individually with a fingertip or small brush dipped in water.

·       Place approximately 3 tablespoons mixture in each wrapper, and seal egg rolls

·       At this point, you can either deep fry for a couple minutes, or fry in about a half-inch of hot oil until golden brown.

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Have it Good

I don't often think about how good I have it at work. I was so blessed to find jobs immediately when I moved to Fort Worth, and I soon found that they really loved my work ethic and how personable I was with people. I think there is something to midwestern work ethics that isn't always realized here. I work my butt off with every job I have, no matter the pay. I give 100% in it. It is my livelihood and I have been rewarded in the past with recognition in getting better positions and raises by my working hard. Unfortunately, I don't see that hard work ethic as much in those around me at my other jobs, people tell me that I'm working hard, to just sit down and let others take care of stuff, things like that. The winery loves to have me there and is looking to advance me in the future when they get everything grounded in the next few months with some major position changes of the owners. the owner suprised me the other day when he asked me to do an 8 wine tasting for a group of 12. He trusts that my wine knowledge is good enough to be able to share it with others (and he is a stickler for us knowing all the details about our wines). I love working there, we have a close knit crew and I've made some great friends. People who come in say that they love to be there because we have so much fun there, and really we do. We joke around, and there never seems to be any bad nights there. The managers want us to drink the wines (isnt that terrible?) and know our stuff. We sip wine all night as we work, and the customers love that we drink wine with them. All in all it's a great job, I have learned so much about wine and their regions, distinct tastes, terriore, varietals, bordeuxs, and all that good stuff. I always wanted to be more knowledgeable in wine, and I feel like I really have it now. There is so much more to learn, but I will get there. I really do have it good.

Glorious Week

Mama made the long flight to Texas to visit me for a week. She left on Monday and it was so hard to see her go. We had a great time. We went antique mall shopping and found some cool things, we went to the botanical gardens where they have an amazing japanese zen garden, I took her to my winery that I work at and we drank wine and ate cheese, olives, and crackers. The tastes that I poured must have been a little too heavy. Mama may have imbibed just a little too much wine, but I wanted her to try some that I thought she would enjoy. We laughed and joked for hours there. We played uno for a few nights and found a book that asks questions like, "if an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what food would you choose to eat a day that would keep the doctor away instead?" We drove out to Mineral Wells State Park and went hiking on the rocky terrain, we went to the overlooks and took pictures of Lake Mineral Wells. We walked around an abandoned haunted hotel that has been standing since the early 1900's. We went and ate way too much every day, but we had fun with trying a bunch of new places. So, yes, I thought about kidnapping her and making her stay here. If there were anything that I could change, I would change this distance between us. I miss, more than anything, not being able to just go and see my family and friends whenever I want to. Because the best part, the very best part was seeing her smiling face all day and putting my arms around her as much as I could. Being in her presence, enjoying our time together, that is what matters. It wouldn't have mattered that we went anywhere, or did anything. Just to have that glorious week was perfect.

See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil

He tells me that I was never the one he truly wanted. Stubborn intent and decisions change the course of lives. They cut ties that can never be mended. He never wants to see, hear, or speak to this "evil" that is me. I wish that I hadn't thought that those little monkey trinkets were just something cute with a little life lesson. They play a much larger lesson in life. I see that I am an evil in someones life now. So much so that they never want to see, hear or speak to me again. Ever.

Whats New?

What's new? How do I answer that question? Cause for almost a year I haven't found the words to write anything on this blog. So "new" a year ago is totally different than "new" last week. So I guess I share what is on my mind at this point in "new".

Those close to me know that I have been working 2 jobs, one as a certified nurse aide at a rehabilitation center, and the other as a server at a full production winery. I love working at the winery. I've really built up my knowledge and tastes of wines, and the atmosphere there, the friends I work with and everything about it is just so agreeable to me. They also really like me there and want me to pick up more days and possibly take on some more responsibilities as time goes on. I've come to very much dislike the nurse aide job for various reasons, so I went on the search for another job. 

Good and bad is the fact that I live right next to a mall. Bad being that I live by a mall and traffic is stupid crazy. Good being that they are building a new restaurant/brewery in the parking lot of the mall and I applied and was hired to be a server there starting on Halloween. They are just finishing up the building of it and from everyone I have talked to it is a fun place to work, and they make decent money there. I like it for the fact that they have their own line of microbrews that are pretty dang tasty if i may say so myself. I went there and enjoyed a few of their concoctions recently :) So,  I'm excited to say I can quit the nursing job, and start working less hours a week as a server there and keep the winery job too. This will also give me more freedom to pursue my nursing school career and find that college out there that will take me with over 120 credits under my belt. I am excited to start this new phase, even though it has been long overdue and I already should be done with college and the extreme mess that it has become. But I have amazing support, and lots of potential colleges around here to work with.

I also have someone really special in my life that tries to help me forget that I am so far away from my family and friends. Unfortunately that isn't always possible and each day is a struggle for me to just be happy with where I am and not think about the past, but dwell on what I have now and make it the best that I can. He keeps me smiling and happy, he wants to and does spend time with me, we have so much in common, and also have a ton that we are totally opposite on. But that just makes for an interesting mix. I still have my closest friends that I get to talk to not nearly as much as I want to. My Mama is coming to visit me in a month and I am so excited to have her with me for a week. I may just kidnap her and make her stay here forever :) So much has changed, I am still overwhelmed by life sometimes, but all in all, life is good.

Where to begin?

If I knew what to write I would have started long ago. But the words seem to escape me lately. I want to write and tell of all the changes in my life, but some are too difficult to express, and others are too personal and close to home to share. Here are some things I've learned or thought about over the past several months...

...distance doesn't make your heart separate from home and those you love there. I have never felt such burdening heartache or homesickness than in this time of my life. There are some days that I just want to go home and get a hug from my Mama, there are days when all I can think of is walking through the woods and creeks that I know every step of the way. I miss the ease of just getting to sit and hang out with my friends and family. I miss knowing that there are so many close to me that I know and cherish and can see anytime that I want. I am a stranger here. I don't have connections, I don't have friends. It is the weirdest feeling to know that no one knows me. I can go anywhere I want and not a soul will know me from Adam. I miss my home pretty much every moment of every day.



...I wish that people wouldn't judge my decisions in life, but instead find out more about what brought me to this point before doing so. It's awful easy make a judgement based on hearsay, or what little information has been offered. I'm not one to tell everyone what is going on in my life easily. If you want to talk to me, then do it is the way I feel. I am not going to come to others if they are not wanting to deal with more things in their life. I'm afraid that I have burned bridges that will never be built again. If that is the case then I am truly sorry. I should have spoken up when it was so hard to, I should have come to those that wanted to know what was going on instead of hiding all of the things I was dealing with in life. I know it is difficult to stop what is going on in our daily lives, so I don't blame anyone for anything.



...I'm not sure that I ever really lived to the point where I took care of everything myself. It is an interesting, satisfying, and scary feeling to know that I am providing for myself now. I pay the bills, I support myself, I make the decisions on what is available to me each day. Especially since each day I am scrounging to pay my bills and provide shelter and food to my table. I never was totally aware of how much work was involved in daily living. I was sheltered from it in ways to not cause me stress or anxiety over it, and I understand the burden it places on each of us much more intricately now.



None of this is to say that I am not happy; because I am. I have found that I love cooking and baking again. Gosh, I missed the simple joys of making food and what fun that gave me. I've been reading books again. Not the ones I was required to read for school, these are ones I am actually excited to read. I am working a weekday job that doesnt kill my body everyday. I just started a new weekend job that will hopefully give me some more opportunities to ground myself into life here and looks to be a lot of fun. I love the fact that I can still go outside in a light jacket in November, and that I can open the curtains of my home and have the sun shine brightly into the windows each day. The sky is so immense and spread out here. The trees and small hills offer little break to the far off scenery that I can catch a glimpse of from my patio and so many areas around where I live.

Thanks for reading in and have a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with those you love and cherish.