Today has been a week since I stopped taking my thyroid medicine. Another 2 weeks to go. I am utterly tired. I'm pretty sure I could hibernate for the next month and wake up still tired. Yet I can keep going easily, I found no problem working 14 hours yesterday, I will find no problem doing what I always do while I have thyroid supplements in me. This is something that I have to go through twice a year for the next 5 years. Until I am in remission. Quite a word there....remission. I don't really think about it until this time of the year comes up for me. It is almost embarrassing for me to explain what I have been through. I don't want people to have pity, or think me weak, because I am not. There is nothing that they can do for me and I don't want to be noticed for it. I have a thick shell, that only a few have broken through. I really could probably count them on both hands and that would be it. I'm not sure where it stems from but no bother. I let it be who I am. I wanted to keep my thyroid, put it in a jar, and poke at it and yell at it. Tell it that it was stupid and take out some anger at it when I got mad that I have to go through this now. Maybe shake the jar in the sky and tell it how much it is messing me up right now. The doctors wouldn't let me keep it. They had to cut it all up and run tests on it and throw it away and forget about it. Now, it is something that I will always have to remember. Each day I wake up and realize that I am different since it was taken away. I just want to feel more normal, to feel like I used to. To talk like I used to, to not bleed for almost a month and then get another period after stopping for 4 days only for it to keep going again for another couple weeks. Then to be so anemic that my ankles puff up and feel like they are going to split and I ache all over and have weird heart palpitations. I want to have the energy every day to be motivated, to be creative, to be excited. I get down about all of the hard work that I did to lose weight, and now I gained it back and can't lose an ounce. I want the doctors to listen to me and to up my medication so that I can feel normal again. Fuck the issues with heart problems and liver problems when I get older because of having more medication if I can't even enjoy the things that I want to now. I feel hurt and hardened. This doesn't help. Yet I am softer, more pliable. I roll with the punches better. I realize how important life and love is. I appreciate everything that I have been given and everything I work for more. Life is poignant, and I don't think that I would ever be at this stage if I had not gone through this issue that brings me to remission. It is a waiting period that I hope and believe that will bring blessings just as much as it has brought curses.
Halfway up the stairs is a stair where I sit. There isn't any other stair quite like it. It's not at the bottom, it's not at the top. But this is the stair where I always stop. Halfway up the stairs isn't up and isn't down. It isn't in the nursery, it isn't in the town. And all sorts of funny thoughts run round my head. It isn't really anywhere, it's somewhere else instead. -A.A. Milne
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Monday, February 17, 2014
Blessings and Splashes
Many people hate the character Gollum in the Lord of the Rings and Hobbit series, but I love this guy. I think that there is a simple truth to the things he says and he just lays it out there raw and open to vulnerability. In the Hobbit his new saying is "Blessings and Splashes!" Simple, but yet if you think about it, not at all. Every day we are met with blessings in our lives. Something goes great, we get a great laugh, we talk to people that make us happy, dinner is delicious, gas prices are low again, they have my favorite show on Netflix, etc. But then there are those splashes that also greet us every day as well. Unexpected migraine, news that family is not doing well, money having to be spent on a car part, working extra for people that don't show up at work, etc. In fact, the same thing in life can be a blessing and a splash. One of my best friends, Cory, had a baby this past week. More than anything he was so fearful for his wife during her delivery, and for this new life that he was going to have to protect and take care of. He was worried about paying the rent on his house each month before this, but now it was going to be even harder for him. Yet, here was this precious little baby boy born on Valentines day that swept him off of his feet and he is happier than anyone could ever explain or feel. I guess that the main point I am getting at is that the good always comes with the bad. It is inherent in our lives, it is something that we don't ever speak of unless we want to rejoice or complain to our family and friends. It is a balancing act that will always continue. To all that read this I hope that your blessings are continually bigger than your splashes!
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