Nostalgia

I'm feeling nostalgic this evening. Thinking of old friends, new friends, old loves, new loves and everyone in between. Nothing seems right except to think about them.  I don't want to be really doing anything else. My mind is full of memories, expectations, and love. I've been a lot of places and done a lot of things. Yet nothing brings better feelings in me than what I have had in the past and what I have now with my family and friends. I could drown everything out with stupid stuff that doesn't matter, but it always comes back that the most happiness I get is out of people. Everything else seems superficial. So just know that tonight, I miss you, I love you, I remember you, I wish that I was surrounded by you all, but for now I will relish in those nostalgic feelings and feel happy.

Workaholic

I've been labeled a "work-a-holic" more than once. Recently I stuck around work just because I felt like things needed done on our anniversary party evening, even though we had perfectly capable people there to do everything. My own employees tell me to sit down and relax all the time. They tell me to let them do everything. How many people actually do so much that others tell them to stop working? Yikes! What was even worse is that I didn't come home and spend it with the man I love even though I was going to be working over 12 hours each day for the next two days. This put us into an argument where he said that I didn't want to spend time with him...blah, blah, blah. Of course I didn't even think about it that way. It was in no way a means to get away from him, or anything else. I was just involved in my work more than I should have. I should have considered the fact that I was going to fit in 38 hours of work into 3 days and all I would be doing when I got home each night was shower and fall asleep. Stupid me.

I tend to give too much, I stay later than I should. I stick around to finish things even thought they could be taken care of the next day, or by someone else. I have the silly mentality that I can do it faster and better than someone else. I micro-manage things. I go overboard, really. I need to learn how to stop doing that. It affects my relationships, it affects my stress levels. It overall, is not a good thing. But yet I don't know how to not do it. It is so deeply ingrained into me to constantly be "managing" things around me. I take it home with me sometimes. I've found that I often have a hard time relaxing. I can't just sit down and let everything just unwind easily. This really is a struggle that I deal with. I want to be more easy going and just let things happen as they will without me having to control every situation around me. I have been working on it. Making conscious efforts to stop when I think I am going to far. Leaving work early without some things done. Delegating work to others so that I can do the essential things that only I can do around there. Coming home and sitting down...without something to do. The thing is that I love my job. I enjoy being there. I enjoy the friendship and camaraderie that we share there. The thing is, each day I learn something. As I get older I find that all of those little things don't matter. It is the friendships, the connections that we make with people is what matters and what makes our hearts happy more than anything. So maybe I stick around more now to be around that, I am immersed in a wonderful business. Wonderful people. Wonderful co-workers that appreciate and trust me and that makes me want to stick around more than I should. AND since I am there I may as well do some work.....haha! I'm never going to get out of this, am I?

It Was a Good Day

Ever have a day where it just brought you back to life? One that made you feel better and energized you to be able to keep going? This past Monday was one of those days. I have been getting a lot of headaches lately, due to the heat, and whatever reasons my head decides to hate me. I just know that they seem to always show up on my day off, or weekends and it is unfortunate that I miss so much excellent time that I could be living instead of wasting it trying to get through the pain. Well, to get back to Monday, I was feeling great. My boyfriend and I both had the day off, which is rare nowadays. We started off with a breakfast of champs and hot coffee. Afterwards we went over to the winery that I work at and Dustin had a crew there that was helping him crush 10 tons of Tempranillo grapes to put them in the steel tanks for fermentation. We stayed a couple hours to help out, got wine stains to carry with us through the day and headed out of Fort Worth to Weatherford. Basically the rest of the day was shooting guns at a gun range, visiting friends and having dinner with them, seeing family and talking around the dining room table, then heading home tired and happy. One of the best parts was falling asleep in the arms of someone I love with a smile on my face. You just can't beat that feeling. It may be better than anything else.

Pet Peeve

I just got a phone call from a fellow that had my address wrong for a bill that I have been waiting to receive for a couple months. Basically, he could not hear me correctly because of my voice, kept talking over me, told me that my bill was delinquent, whereupon I told him that it was their fault for getting the address wrong and finally he got to the point where he said that I was not listening to him. I told him that I wanted to receive the bill in the mail, and not pay to someone over the phone when I certainly do not know for sure who they are. He wanted all of my information and had some already. I proceeded to tell him that any one could have that information if they really wanted it. He rattled off my birthdate and last 4 digits of my social security card and again said that I was not listening to him and needed to give him my bank account number and routing number. I promptly hung up on him in a flurry of anger. Threaten me and tell me that I'm not listening? That is my one thing that I will not tolerate from someone. I was trying to talk to him, but he kept proceeding to interrupt me again and again so that I could not get a word in edgewise. I, unfortunately, have found that since my voice is different that people do that much more than they used to. I don't have inflection in my voice like I used to and if I am talking about something mundane, people lose interest faster it seems. I gladly was going to pay over the phone for the bill that I was late on, even though it was their fault for getting my address incorrect. But when he pulled that stunt, all bets were off.

Wonderful Ohio

I went back to Ohio a couple weeks ago...it was wonderful. I flew in and stayed with mom for a few days. Did I mention it was wonderful? I saw friends, spent so much time with Mama, and I got to see my Dad who I haven't seen since I moved. I went on a couple girls nights out with my friends. It really was wonderful. I got a new tattoo, I realized how short I am conpared to the men in my family, and I went to a 80th birthday party for my Grandpa where all of the family and kids were there. What a celebration of my Grandpa's life it is to know I am a part of an amazing loving family. Again, wonderful comes to mind. I took a nap under a dogwood in a hammock, I went to the sale and got all dusty, I held newborn babies, I hugged my Mama every chance that I could. I love her wonderful hugs. I took walks with the family on the hill and watched my family run through the tall grass, I dressed up and went to a vintage jewelry party and drank martini's. It was all together wonderful. It was a trip I needed. It helped mend my heart in many ways.

Thoughts Arrive Like Butterflies

I was looking at old posts on this blog the other day and I was suprised how much of it I really remember. There were things that flooded my memory that I had not thought of in years. It was pleasant and bittersweet to read those words because life has changed so much since then. I wonder if I forgot them intentionally, or if I just let them slip through my mind, only to surface once in a while as a past glimpse.

I had a dream a few days ago as I was getting a much needed nap (which I rarely get anymore) that I was laying in bed and all of my cats jumped onto the bed and surrounded me like they used to. It was so real to me, at first I questioned if it was real, and in my dream I felt like it was, and I was so happy. I was worried, because my love is extremely allergic to cats and I thought that when he got home from work, I would have to clean the entire house. But at that time I just wanted them with me. My old man Farley, jumped up into my arms under the covers on my left side with his head on my arm like he used to and purred in my ear as we snuggled up together. Big orange Junior jumped up and layed in between my knees, and silly, slightly retarded Butters lay by my right side. I lay there relishing in the moment, it felt as if they were really there, but I also knew that this dream would finish soon since I was on the verge of awakening. I miss that Big man Farley. He was my lover and my everyday hugger. Even now I feel so bad that I left him at my past home in Ohio. He was ill and I found out that Sam had to put him down because he became more ill after I left. I wonder everyday if part of Farley slipping faster was because of me and I feel so bad about it. More than that I feel so much guilt when I think of Ohio. Friends I let down, family that wont talk to me anymore, family that I hardly ever get to see, a profession that went down the tubes. There is so much pain in my heart from Ohio. Some days I just want to be back though. Back to normal routines, back to snowy days, muddy days, cold days, any day. Because if I was back I would be HOME. Texas is my "home", but in no way is it where I would choose to be if I had every liberty in the world to do so. I have an amazing job now that is wonderful. I really do have an amazing group of friends there. But I am quiet now. I hold too many old things in my past that I dont find the need to talk about. A little of that sadness and guilt lingers in the back of my mind. Everyone has some of that in their life, so I know I am not the only one.
All of this is not to say that I am unhappy with where I am. I just let things get to me some days so much that I think that I let the memories slip away so that they dont hurt as much.

Little Quicky

I really don't have too much to write, I know that I am pretty much the only one that reads my own posts anymore. Thats perfectly fine with me though. It is a nice journal to store my thoughts over the years as things change. I read over some of my old posts the other day, and so much has changed. Life is completely different now.
On to current topics...I am off of my thyroid medication for 3 weeks, starting yesterday. With no thyroid and no meds to control it I will be so tired. I am really not looking forward to the effects that it will have on me. It is almost 48 hours at this point and I am tired already. But the good news is that in 3 weeks I will get blood work that will show my thyroid hormone levels and also bloodwork do a cancer marker that will show if I have any traces of cancer cells. If so I will need to get my next round of radiation. If not then no radiation. I am thinking positive that I will not have to do another round of radiation. The first was so bad, that I don't want to go through it again. I feel for those that go through it for months and years. Mine was nothing compared to theirs. I looked at pictures of myself during that time and my face and neck was so swollen. I hardly ate for a month after that, because I was always sick to my stomach. My nails even got a crazy groove in each of them from the radiation, that has since grown out.
I worked 90+ hours in the past 2 weeks because of how busy the winery was and to help cover the owner while he went to our vineyard to prune the vines. It was an interesting week. I had to fire a new employee that was not working out at all and that hasn't happened there for years. Lucky me got to handle this one. I actually was scared because this person was very volatile and not in a good place mentally. Everything turned out well and the owner fully supported me in it.

Other than that I will now snuggle with my love and finish the night with a movie. Good night me, and whoever else may read this :)

The Stock Show and Rodeo

Okay, so I grew up going to county fairs, street fairs. Where you walk around, eat fried fair food, look at animals, find the biggest pumpkins, maybe sit on a tractor, and dodge animal poo on the road. Ride some rinky-dink rides that squeak the whole time as you fear your imminent death. See a friend to talk to that you haven't seen in awhile, or even better hide from those people that you don't like to talk to, you know, that old chestnut.

Well this weekend I went to the Fort Worth Stock Shows and Rodeo. Still a fair...but different. They still had rides, good fair food, animals, and all that stuff, but it was just different than what I guess fairs from my Northern neck of the woods are like. The fair food was good. That red velvet funnel cake was great. I also had a foot long corndog,  and I think it is the first one that I have had from a fair in almost 3 years! The Stock Shows is the one time of the year for all of the cowboys and cowgirls to get all dolled up in their boots, big belt buckles, and cowboy hats. I saw so many women with bedazzled everything basically, that they didnt even look like a cowgirl. They were all drinking Coors Light and grouped up into their little cowboy and cowgirl cliques. Sorry, I just still am not used to the whole cowboy/girl scene. Anywhere else in the US, you get dressed up like that and you get made fun of.  I can't wait to get one of those outfits...said me, NEVER! Maybe I will get a pair of unassuming cowboy boots one of these days, since I always wanted a pair, but that would be it. Yee-HAW! It seems like a farce these days, since that is not what drives the DFW area anymore. Yeah, there is TONS of money in this area. Everyone can get rich around here easily. Jobs are plentiful, technology is advancing, small business entrepreneurs can almost guarantee success. It is just an amazing area to be and feel safe from some of the downfalls of other areas of the country. I guess tradition carries on, whether it is current or not, and that is cool. I have no right to judge, what tradition did the area I grew up in have? Not much, so in a way it is nice to be in an area where the people here love and believe so much in their way of life. I sit back and watch, because I don't think that I will ever get that same love for this area, but that is another story for another day.

Let Me Learn From Where I Have Been

I listen to the robot in the kitchen and the little voice of a sweet 4 year old playing with his Daddy. I hear a father laugh as he talks to his son about boy things. There is dancing and laughing. Christmas music is playing and I am relishing in the glow of this time of year. It has been an eventful day. We woke up a sleepy eyed boy to sit around the tree and open presents with. We had a big homemade breakfast complete with cheesy eggs and lots of coffee to wash it down. We played...and played. We went over to Grandpas house and opened more gifts followed by sitting around and talking and watching the kids play. Back home we watched Christmas movies for the rest of the night and played some more. Now I sit and watch my handsome man play his new video games. We stay this way until we can't stay awake anymore and then fall asleep, as always, in each others arms. Comforted to be together as we always are each day.
I reminisce over the past year and everything we have been through together. We have had some volatile days. I have had some volatile days. Ones where I am not sure if I can hold it together any longer. Ones where I have expressed more than I should, I have been mean. Just plain angry and taken it out on others when I could no longer hold it in anymore. I don't trust my intuition as I once used to. I feel unsure of myself sometimes around others, afraid to look a fool. Even though I feel a fool for thinking that way when I know I should not. I have found true friends again. Ones that have been through life and hurts as much as or even more than I have. In all of our brokenness we are family and know that we are there for each other through anything. I love them something fierce.
This year has held so many changes. I have been in more hospitals and doctors offices than I can count. My body has played so many games with me. I grew cancer in me for who knows how long, and still have the uncertainty of still possibly having it. I almost bled to death after a nasty series of health issues threw me in the hospital. I layed in bed for a week in confinement to my room with a nuclear pill that was the same uranium-plutonium fission used in Chernobyl. It made me so violently ill, that I thought my face may just become one with my pillow...or the bathroom floor. My voice turned into a uncontrolled and high pitched instrument for people to have to draw nearer to me to even hear it when I spoke. To this day I feel, in my heart, that it will never be the same as it once was. I will never have the control over it that I used to. I wont be able to sing a solo, or sing a song to someone without feeling my voice break and not being able to hit the notes it should. Of all of the things that I have physically went through it is losing the control over my voice that I am most regretful about. I don't know why it bothers me so much. People say that it sounds fine, but in my head it is so much different than it once was. I was a mimicker. I could mimic voices, songs, characters from movies better than most all other people that I knew. I could sing along to my favorite songs and not think that my voice was annoying and way off key. It hurts to know that anything other than a normal level conversation will make my voice fly off into unknown delights of squeaks, and pitches. I still have issues chugging liquids and I often choke on a small sip of water. It makes me feel very sad and defeated. And to have it happen all of the time, because I talk alot,  just reminds me all the time of it.
I have had the overwhelming fortune of becoming an event and food manager at a winery as well as start my own small fun business at home making pillows and other decorations to sell on Etsy. I have sold only a handful, but it has allowed me to bring out some creativity and express the fun side of what inspires me. I find it stretches my thinking process and allows me to become more creative as I go; when I thought I had lost much of it as I became older.   
 I thank God that I have a voice, I thank God that I am alive, I thank God that I have family and friends that love me,  and that dark times bring hope. I thank God, that no matter what, I have someone that loves me through it all and wants to without reservations. I thank God for an amazing job, and talents that let me show my creative side. Overall, it has been a year of going through a lot of trials...but by the grace of God, go I.

This song is so meaningful to me...may I always have eyes to serve and hands to learn.

You were cold as the blood through your bones
And the light which led us from our chosen homes
Well I was lost

And now I sleep,
Sleep the hours that I can't weep
When all I knew was steeped in blackened hopes
Well I was lost

Keep the earth below my feet
From my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I have been
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

And I was still but I was under your spell
When I was told by Jesus all was well
So all must be well

Just give me time
Well you know your desires and mine
So wrap my flesh in ivy and in twine
For I must be well

Keep the earth below my feet
From my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I have been
Well keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

Keep the earth below my feet
From my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I have been
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Below My Feet- Mumford and Sons